By ‘witstream’

“I don’t need your help! I don’t need ANYBODY’S f*ckin’ help!” Drunk ground beef refusing Hamburger Helper. -Tyler Vasquez

Verizon customer service has been having “unusually high call volume” for 10 years. Congrats, guys! -Mike Birbiglia

Ron Paul’s campaign says Paul’s favorite food is chocolate chip cookies. Not eating them, making them inside a giant hollow tree. -Guy Nicolucci

SmackTalk for 2/14

I wonder what Newt Gingrich got his future fourth wife for Valentine’s Day? -Rex Huppke

You can learn a lot about a person by the way they read their auto-biography aloud. -Jen Statsky

“Congrats to Mitt Romney on the coveted “Donald Trump Exploits My Campaign Just To Shill His Apprentice Premiere” award.” -John Fugelsang

I had a weird dream that Santorum, Romney and Newt were all yelling at each other cause they thought they could be President. -Jamie Kilstein

Lady Gaga’s recipe for good skin: spinach and orgasms. Also Popeye’s idea of a great weekend, btw. -Frank Santopadre

Sad to learn that the confetti dropped on Times Square was made by shredding orphans’ letters to Santa. -Joe Veix

“It’s a Wonderful Life” edited too much for television – George jumps off a bridge, right into a pile of cash from his friends. -Rob Kutner