How well do you really know your pets? Probably no more than a typical high school parent knows about how much their kid smokes pot, dates middle-aged millionaires, runs an old school PCP cartel, and has a dead hooker in their closet. This McSweeney’s piece, from humorist Jamie Allen, is here to help.

ANIMAL HOUSE by Jamie Allen

How Can You Tell That Your Animals Are Planning a Keg Party While You’re Out Tonight?

Well, don’t ask the cat, the gerbil or the bird. They’ll lie. Especially the cat.

Instead, get the dog alone. Call him into your room while you’re getting dressed for your night out. Tell him you’ve been hearing some things—be vague. If he gives you a look that asks what you mean, say something like, “Let’s just say I’ve heard the ping-pong balls rattling around in the cup.”

Then, look him in the eye and fraternally ask, “So, are you guys planning a keg party while I’m out?”

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